Dotes… dotes everywhere. Growing up in a house with walls
full of framed paintings of extreme doting, emotional outrageous expressions with artistic display of strongly contrasted colours. They have been hung there since
I can ever remember. Been told I’m the daughter of an artist. Yes, my father
was indeed a painter but, something about being raised up away from him made all of them
paintings just a part of the walls of my home.
What is art? Trying to understand
this historical dilemma is truly a journey. As legendary painters and sculptures
debate this matter, I stand confused from the realistic impression of the
renascence period to the very humble abstract paintings of my father. Majoring in Studio Arts was the only way
to help myself realize what art really is. I was already a painter. I know how
to paint. I though that knowledge was enough for me to be “the painter”. That
couldn’t have been more wrong! After graduating from Techniquical School, I had
my first BT degree in graphic design. I rushed into majoring in graphic design
as well, thinking its my best option. My ability to paint was not important to
me, my art was nothing worth exploring, graphics could offer me more ways to
reach my goals, like having a high post job in a hard hitting international
company or being a leader in the world of advertising. Despite that, I still
was not satisfied. Within the world of graphics I found too much limitations.
As a resilient
graphic designer one should train his or her eye on the concept of grid design
and its importance in anything being designed. Soon enough my obsession in the
grid concept controlled my life and turned it into a systematic contemplation
of my self. Time was running out of my hands, I didn’t even have the time to be
me. There was no space in my mind to move away from the grid of thoughts that
I, myself constructed in dedication to graphics. The grid was my approach to
achieve self-control, which instantly turned into agonizing my own soul.
Acceptance!
I get an email stating my acceptance. I was overwhelmed! And even more
surprised to be accepted into Studio Arts. Its not graphics! I thought. How
could they think I would be better of as an artist? They don’t know how dedicated
I am. I told my self I’m staying there till I can transfer back into graphics.
First semester, I started with my art classes, still very overwhelmed, I
remember telling my self: “I have to paint… they are making me paint”. Holding
my brush after such a long time was very hard. Still it was more challenging to
sketch. I watched as other students had no fears of errors and mistakes, they
would dance and prance through their paintings as if they have no care in the
world. Looking at them made me realize graphics limitations and its effect on
me. My break through was when I final apprehended that I should break this grid
and just let me be…
The
amount of fear between my brushes and me increased and I silently judged my
work. Putting my self down all because I can’t hold my hand steady against an
empty canvas. Nevertheless I finally understood that my fear is only because
art is asking to be off the grid and into the freedom of naked expressions. So
yeah I’m here to stay.
